Peruvian Nights and Jamaican Days

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeews:

-I'm really tired today.


Okay, look, I'm not sure who is responsible for design, layout, publishing, etc. of the federal government's websites, but whoever it is should be face execution by blowtorch. Or corkscrew. If you think this sounds harsh, you have obviously not tried to get any useful info from, for instance, USA Jobs (what's with the ".opm" in the address, anyway?..are they TRYING to make it difficult to remember the web address?) or FirstGov..(motto: "All the government info you couldn't find before because it was spread out all over the web is now conveniently located in one convenient website (though we've taken steps to make sure you still won't be able to find what you're looking for..")). I dare you to try to go to USA-Jobs and find a job in your field, or in your geographic area - I'm willing to bet big money you will get one of two things;

1) A message saying no such jobs were found

or

2) "Sure, we have jobs like that, anywhere in the USA...IN THE ARMY!!!"

Or, start at FirstGov, and try to find anything, absolutely anything, of any value whatsoever. The only thing remotely interesting (read: humorous) I was able to find from this website was the "Be Ready!" (in BRIGHT RED font) page that tells you how to be prepared in case of a terrorist attack... This page is brought to you by "the awesome, super effective office of Homeland Security" (quoting Tina Fey of SNL). My two favorite items recommended for your super-secret emergency anti-terrorism supply stash:

1) "Aluminum foil" (which I presume you are supposed to wrap around your head, to keep the evil terrorist beams from getting inside your brain..)

and

2) "Feminine supplies" (because, you know, nothing could be worse than being trapped under a burning pile of rubble AND having that "not-so-fresh" feeling...)

I also like this part:

>Household chlorine bleach
>
>You can use bleach as a disinfectant (diluted nine parts water to one part bleach), or in an emergency you can also use it to purify
> water. Use 16 drops of regular household liquid bleach per gallon of water. Do not use scented, color safe or bleaches with added
>cleaners.

Thanks, I think I'd feel safer drinking my own urine..

Especially good are the Cold War-type graphics showing what you should do in case of nuclear blast, chemical attack, etc. This is just destined to be made fun of in years to come.

Homeland Security my ass.

-m