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Friday, May 16, 2003

Did you hear the one about the gay Israeli vultures..?


Bennet's poem - must be from around 1992-93, posted by permission of the author - from the files of Mr. Metcalf:


The 17th Commandment--thou shalt not
give of thine rat's ass.
Do not give a rat's ass.
Have you no compassion, heathen?
Do not give a rat's ass.

Think--the rat's ass you give may be the last.
Think--the rat needs the ass you have given
Think--the rat has a place in the ecosystem
The rat keeps our population down.

We, the people of the United States
Do not give a rat's ass.
We, the people of the United States
are politically correct.

Yet, some people do give a rat's ass.
This does not mean they care.

Au contraire!
They are killing the world!

They are raping the earth!
They are mashing the trees!
Stop giving rat's asses
and save the world please!

(Author's note--This poem is politically correct,
the author is not.)


Thursday, May 15, 2003


Rather amazingly, our sophomore English teacher still has Bennets poem, titled "17th." He says, "I have retained only those poems deemed(by sundry folks,
some of questionable taste) keepers."

High praise. Look for the poem sometime in the near future, here, or linked from here.


Some questions:

-Why isn't there a new Strongbad this week?

-And who do these people think they're fooling?

-Am I getting old, or is this really creepy?

When people ask me, "how can I get a portrait painted that portrays me next to Stevie Nicks," I suggest they go here.

Yet another breakthrough in toilet technology.

And another.


See? My ancestors weren't merely a bunch of looters, pillagers, and hoodlums.

That's all. Not feeling very creative today.


Monday, May 12, 2003

I'ma gonna go ahead and save you some time (about 164 minutes) and about a buck:

Don't bother renting the movie "Topsy Turvy." Never (probably) has there been a less compelling movie with more ambiguous, lifeless characters (we couldn't tell which one was Gilbert and which was Sullivan for about the first hour, nor did we really care much). And perhaps not since I saw "My Own Private Idaho," or perhaps "Cider House Rules" have I been so pained by a movie. I mean, there just wasn't anything or anyone in the movie that could compel me to give a rat's ass (not mine to give, anyway - Bennet, I'd love to see that poem again, if you can swing it), about any of it. I suppose if you were like an opera nerd or something and knew all about opera and cared all about opera, perhaps you might get some sort of art-snob pleasure from hearing stuff you already know - if you're insecure like that - but otherwise...don't bother. An Iced Honeybun would be a far better use for that money.

I also saw "Old School" recently. All in all, a pretty dismal movie, though Will Ferrell is still a genius, and there are some moments that are genuinely funny, pretty much entirely because of Ferrell. I do like how they payed homage to "The Graduate," vis-a-vis the pool scene, but I think we should realize a fundamental fact of life; that there are three movies about college ("Animal House," and "Revenge of the Nerds," and "The Graduate"), and no others are really necessary. (The first person to mention "American Pie" wins a free punch in the head)

I cannot believe that they felt compelled to make a "Legally Blonde 2." Did anyone even see the first one?!?!? If so, shame on you, because that is precisely why there is a "Legally Blonde 2." I think maybe there should be some sort of review process a studio has to go through before it is allowed to make sequels. I mean, think of all of those "Iron Eagle" movies. It's just criminal.

Additionally, I hope everyone realizes how much ass the Dropkick Murphys kick.

I also just became aware of the fact that when I'm fixing a car, or building stuff, or fishing, or praying (?), the voice in my head suddenly assumes a cowboy accent. Not like an affected one, like so many country music stars who pretend to be cowboys, but actually came from big cities like Atlanta, Memphis, Tulsa, etc, but a real live cowboy voice. I don't know why.

And um..that's all.


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