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Wednesday, December 31, 2003


....which means I will now pronounce my list of demands for the future year...


1. Dan Akroyd: I demand you desist in trying to carry on with the Blues Brothers. John Belushi is dead, OK? Jim Belushi is no John Belushi. For that matter, NOBODY is John Belushi. And it's not like you were carrying the team, you know. It doesn't matter which fat comedic actor you employ, the Blues Brothers is over. I demand you stop immediately...

2. Bad Comedic Actors: I demand you stop murdering the works of Dr. Seuss. I demand that none more of you shall try to make a live action movie of "Horton Hears a Who," "Green Eggs and Ham," or even "The Lorax." Failure to comply with this demand will find you decapitated, de-nadded, and whizzed upon. I demand you stop immediately...

3. Steve Pederson: Stop being an ass. I demand you stop immediately...

4. Manheim Steamroller: I stand alongside my mate, Bennet, in my insistence that you immediately cease your attack on my ears, on melodic sensibility, and on the airwaves of middle America. Please, for the love of Gawd, stop! Repent and commit no further crimes against music. I demand you stop immediately...

5. Indonesian Recreational Parks: keep up the sweet enormous snake-finding work. I demand you feed the members of Manheim Steamroller, Steve Pederson, and, for good measure, Michael Myers to the 49-foot, 1000-pound python in your charge. While you're at it, you might as well feed it The Eagles, and that fucking pitbull of Princess Anne's that keeps mauling little children and other dogs. I demand you do this immediately.

6. People who are feeding ground up cow parts to cows: Cut that shit out. It ain't cool. I demand you stop immediately...

7. Whoever the crap is in charge of making DVDs of the first season of Sifl & Olly: Get moving! I'm sick of waiting. I demand you get on this immediately...

Most of my other demands relate to musical acts that need to cut it out and go ahead and die. Instead of giving them the dignity of a separate demand each, I'll lump them together...

8. The following musical acts need to stop immediately:

-Rod Stewart
-Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Jimmy Buffett
-Limp Bizkit (are they still around)

There are plenty of others that suck, but these people have sucked long enough that they should have realized it by now....

I think that you find compliance with my demands is both simple and beneficial for all mankind.

I also do resolutions. Therefore, here are my resolutions:

1. Eat more meat
2. Drink more beer
3. Do something illegal at least once a week
4. Finish my novel
5. Flyfish more
6. Occasionally, blow off a big responsibility for the benefit of something I want to do.


Monday, December 29, 2003


So..the holiday trip across Nebraska is going purdy good. 'Cept..

On Christmas evening, I started feeling kinda off. Like it felt like I had eaten too much pie, 7-layer cookies, regular cookies, etc., and not enough real food. By the time I went to bed my guts hurt. And my back hurt. Back aches don't typically accompany stomach aches, in my experience.

I woke up maybe an hour after going to bed. Actually, I hadn't slept yet. I just laid there doubled-up for about an hour. Then, I suddenly had a feeling like I ought to visit the restroom, stat! So I went in, hurriedly turned on the light and shut the door, and proceeded to vomit furiously. I mean, I've vomited before..there have been some memorable ones..but this one had power. I think I barfed about 10 times in a row. I haven't had a non-alcohol induced vomiting fit since I ate that handful of spoiled pickled jalepenos in my undergrad days. Then I turned around and diarhea-ed, explosively, for awhile, for good measure. I was fairly exhausted after this, so I went back in and laid down. I woke up not much later, and went back in, and did the same thing, except there was nothing to barf up, so I just dry-heaved for about 10 minutes, then turned around and poo-pooed more. I didn't know I could hold that much poo-poo.

For the rest of the night, I kept being awakened by the realization that I had about 4.7 seconds to make it to the bathroom before I had a major explosion of some sort. It took about 4.6999 seconds for me to get into the bathroom, close the door, turn on the light, and assume the appropriate position, so I was a little alarmed that I might not make it in time the next time it happened. It was at this point that for a few minutes, I seriously considered sending Jenn for some Depends Undergarments. I held out, though.

So the other great moment in all of this, was after I had just got done dry-heaving, and had another round of buttsplosions, and suddenly, the toilet thought it would be a good joke to just go ahead and overflow. So it did. I had just flushed, in preparation for another round, when, instead of just filling the toilet up to the regular level after it flushed, it just kept filling until it spilled over. My boxers, which were down around my ankles, were suddenly soaked by the waterfall coming over the edge of the toilet bowl - and me too weak to move. So there I was, 2:30 a.m., exhausted, sore from the rigors of dry heaving, empty innards, that vomit taste in my mouth, standing naked in the cold bathroom. Man. Talk about a life-affirming moment.

So I'm pretty much back to normal by now. I think I'm about 16 pounds lighter than I was before that ordeal started, though.

It was one of the more memorable Christmas nights I've had in awhile.

Happy Birthday Jesus....brrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRTTT!!

Please..no jokes about Yule Logs....


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