Peruvian Nights and Jamaican Days

IT'S THE NEW YEAR...

....which means I will now pronounce my list of demands for the future year...

LIST OF DEMANDS:

1. Dan Akroyd: I demand you desist in trying to carry on with the Blues Brothers. John Belushi is dead, OK? Jim Belushi is no John Belushi. For that matter, NOBODY is John Belushi. And it's not like you were carrying the team, you know. It doesn't matter which fat comedic actor you employ, the Blues Brothers is over. I demand you stop immediately...

2. Bad Comedic Actors: I demand you stop murdering the works of Dr. Seuss. I demand that none more of you shall try to make a live action movie of "Horton Hears a Who," "Green Eggs and Ham," or even "The Lorax." Failure to comply with this demand will find you decapitated, de-nadded, and whizzed upon. I demand you stop immediately...

3. Steve Pederson: Stop being an ass. I demand you stop immediately...

4. Manheim Steamroller: I stand alongside my mate, Bennet, in my insistence that you immediately cease your attack on my ears, on melodic sensibility, and on the airwaves of middle America. Please, for the love of Gawd, stop! Repent and commit no further crimes against music. I demand you stop immediately...

5. Indonesian Recreational Parks: keep up the sweet enormous snake-finding work. I demand you feed the members of Manheim Steamroller, Steve Pederson, and, for good measure, Michael Myers to the 49-foot, 1000-pound python in your charge. While you're at it, you might as well feed it The Eagles, and that fucking pitbull of Princess Anne's that keeps mauling little children and other dogs. I demand you do this immediately.

6. People who are feeding ground up cow parts to cows: Cut that shit out. It ain't cool. I demand you stop immediately...

7. Whoever the crap is in charge of making DVDs of the first season of Sifl & Olly: Get moving! I'm sick of waiting. I demand you get on this immediately...

Most of my other demands relate to musical acts that need to cut it out and go ahead and die. Instead of giving them the dignity of a separate demand each, I'll lump them together...

8. The following musical acts need to stop immediately:

-Prince
-Rod Stewart
-Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Jimmy Buffett
-Limp Bizkit (are they still around)
-Aerosmith

There are plenty of others that suck, but these people have sucked long enough that they should have realized it by now....

I think that you find compliance with my demands is both simple and beneficial for all mankind.

I also do resolutions. Therefore, here are my resolutions:

1. Eat more meat
2. Drink more beer
3. Do something illegal at least once a week
4. Finish my novel
5. Flyfish more
6. Occasionally, blow off a big responsibility for the benefit of something I want to do.

-m