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Sunday, March 07, 2004
THAT OTHER RACE...
So, Kinky Friedman is running for governor of Texas in 2006 (campaign motto: "Why the hell not!").
Seems kind of early for a celebrity to be announcing their candidacy for 2006 elections.
On October 7, 2012, I shall turn 35, making me eligible to run for President of the United States of America that November.
I hearby announce that I am running for President of the United States in 2012 as the candidate for the Social Anarchist party. Like Kinky, I haven't set my whole platform out yet, but it will definitely include the following policies:
1) Be nice to people.
2) If you even mention drilling in ANWR, it's cruise-missile-up-the-arse for you, buster!
3) American light "beers" will no longer be able to be labeled as "beer," but will instead go under the label "Barley-flavored Sparkling Water Product"
4) Free Tibet, with purchase of any regularly priced Nepal
5) We will give away free peanuts and beer during every White House tour
6) Tuesdays: Thai Food Night!
7) Will remove all the people from New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, Utah, and Arizona..and..what the hell..North Dakota, Alaska, and western Canada, and turn it into a big-ass National Park. There will be signs when you get to the border that say "No cars, trucks, motorcycles, 4-wheelers, jet skis, chainsaws, bulldozers, or assholes beyond this point. Anyone found to be in violation will be fed to the saber-tooth tigers." Oh, and airplanes will have to fly around the park, so as not to violate the silence.
8) Will appropriate 2% of the national budget to scientists directed to work on bringing back the sabre-tooth tiger, the mastadon, the giant ground sloth, trilobytes, apatosaurs, and those weird-ass, tiny, horse-camel things. Oh, and Abe Lincoln.
9) Will make 2014 the last year that cars with gasoline engines can be manufactured.
10) Each citizen of the United States, regardless of race, ethnicity, age, sex, orientation, etc., is allotted 1.5 hours of TV-watching time per week. Less if it includes football.
11) The phrase "touching base" will be absolutely outlawed, unless the speaker is talking about baseball. Violators will be fed to aforementioned tigers. Head first.
12) Television networks will be fined $1,000,000,000,000 for each minute of "reality TV" they run.
I'm still trying to decide on my running mate..I'm thinking maybe Richard Pryor or maybe John Cusack or Abe Lincoln or Andy Moon or..Jim..no wait, he died...
Apply within.
-m
So, Kinky Friedman is running for governor of Texas in 2006 (campaign motto: "Why the hell not!").
Seems kind of early for a celebrity to be announcing their candidacy for 2006 elections.
On October 7, 2012, I shall turn 35, making me eligible to run for President of the United States of America that November.
I hearby announce that I am running for President of the United States in 2012 as the candidate for the Social Anarchist party. Like Kinky, I haven't set my whole platform out yet, but it will definitely include the following policies:
1) Be nice to people.
2) If you even mention drilling in ANWR, it's cruise-missile-up-the-arse for you, buster!
3) American light "beers" will no longer be able to be labeled as "beer," but will instead go under the label "Barley-flavored Sparkling Water Product"
4) Free Tibet, with purchase of any regularly priced Nepal
5) We will give away free peanuts and beer during every White House tour
6) Tuesdays: Thai Food Night!
7) Will remove all the people from New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, Utah, and Arizona..and..what the hell..North Dakota, Alaska, and western Canada, and turn it into a big-ass National Park. There will be signs when you get to the border that say "No cars, trucks, motorcycles, 4-wheelers, jet skis, chainsaws, bulldozers, or assholes beyond this point. Anyone found to be in violation will be fed to the saber-tooth tigers." Oh, and airplanes will have to fly around the park, so as not to violate the silence.
8) Will appropriate 2% of the national budget to scientists directed to work on bringing back the sabre-tooth tiger, the mastadon, the giant ground sloth, trilobytes, apatosaurs, and those weird-ass, tiny, horse-camel things. Oh, and Abe Lincoln.
9) Will make 2014 the last year that cars with gasoline engines can be manufactured.
10) Each citizen of the United States, regardless of race, ethnicity, age, sex, orientation, etc., is allotted 1.5 hours of TV-watching time per week. Less if it includes football.
11) The phrase "touching base" will be absolutely outlawed, unless the speaker is talking about baseball. Violators will be fed to aforementioned tigers. Head first.
12) Television networks will be fined $1,000,000,000,000 for each minute of "reality TV" they run.
I'm still trying to decide on my running mate..I'm thinking maybe Richard Pryor or maybe John Cusack or Abe Lincoln or Andy Moon or..Jim..no wait, he died...
Apply within.
-m
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