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Thursday, April 24, 2008


What crisis? The global food shortage? The global warming that is contributing to this shortage? The war in Iraq? Syria, Iran, or North Korea with nuclear weapons?

No, I am, of course, talking about HIGH GAS PRICES. Holy shit! We are now paying almost 75% of what Europe pays for gas. This is an outrage! We're goddamn Americans! It's our God-given right to have cheap gasoline so that we can drive vehicles as big as we want as much as we want without sacrificing anything important, like satellite TV, jet skis, and trampolines for our kids.

[Author's Note #1: In case you think you have mis-clicked and wound up on Bikesquatch's blog, let me assure you, you are in the correct place. It just looks like a Todd post.]

[Resume post, sans satire]

This particular video is the most ridiculous fucking thing I have seen in quite some time: http://www.yahoo.com/s/865277. It is both funny, and terribly sad, that the reporter is acting like she's reporting on some enormous catastrophe of biblical proportions and is wearing her appropriate distressed/sad face (should "biblical" be capitalized? I don't want to be disrespectful). You know that Saturday Night Live sketch where Andy Samberg suddenly runs into the frame and punches someone about to take a bite of food? I really, really wish that he would have been present in this video.

Seriously, America. It's not like you weren't warned since 5th grade that oil was not an unlimited resource. And you're seriously not feeding your kids breakfast so you can afford gas for your Yukon? Yeah. That's called abuse, and if it's true, you should be shot and your children should be turned over to someone more responsible, like the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Honestly, I bet (and hope) that this is just hyperbole, and these people think that by whining and exaggerating about all of their "sacrifices" they might summon the merciful Gods of cheap gas who will again enable their gross overconsumption. But, it could well be that some people are actually not feeding their kids so they can feed their cars. They're probably more willing to forgo breakfasts for their kids than forgo having digital cable with 145 channels.

And the guy that said he was not going to church as often because it's 30-40 miles away and gas is too expensive.... Good excuse--does your wife actually believe that? Because, you know what? This is America--you can't throw a rock without it ricocheting off of three churches and landing in the parking lot of another. There's probably one on the same block where this guy lives that is 99% the same as the one he's driving to. Each protestant church I've ever been to (at least 10 that I can think of off the top of my head) was nearly identical to all the others, in terms of message. The only real difference is the preacher talks a little louder in some than in others. Oh. And some of them hate gay people more than the others. I think there is just something in American culture that says that everything that's important and everything you need is a 40 minute car trip away. Anything closer than that is tacky.

Speaking of religion and gas prices, I heard a story about folks are being urged to "Pray at the Pump" for lower gas prices. It's not that ridiculous. I think God cares exactly as much about how much you're paying for gas as he cares about the outcome of sporting events.

It's about time for stupid people to start forwarding emails about boycotting this or that gas station (..or have they already been doing this? I haven't gotten one in awhile. Maybe because I've put most of my aunts in my "Block Sender" list for their egregious violations of internets etiquette.).

[Author's Note # 2: The gas price story was just what set me off. There have been so many things, though, over the past few weeks that have made me so mad that it's finally come to a head. The culmination of all of this anger is that I will now no longer be referring to the inhabitants of this country as "Americans," but will henceforth refer to them collectively as "Dumbass."]

But don't worry, Dumbass. I'm here to help. I have a scam that will enable you to reduce your gas costs to miniscule amounts IMMEDIATELY. No praying involved. And it is the only method that will actually make any real and lasting difference in gas costs.

The scam goes like this:

Option 1. You walk.

For those of you who don't like that option, there is Option 2.

Option 2. You get a bike, and you fucking ride it.

Of course, I'm exaggerating by saying this is the only way to do it. You could also take the bus, the train, the subway, etc., if you live in a place so endowed. "But," you may be saying, "only poor people ride the bus." Guess what: you're poor people, Dumbass, or at least 99% of you are.

Since I dropped off the Uhaul after moving to my new house at the end of February, I have driven my truck exactly one time, and have purchased exactly $0 worth of gas for it. From the full parking lot outside my office window, I can see that most folks in this town are driving to the University, which is unfortunate, since probably 90% or more of the people that work here or go to school here live within 2 miles of the University. This town is also pancake-flat, for the most part, so almost anyone should be able to handle walking or biking a mile or two with no problem.

I know not everyone lives within 2 miles of where they work. But you know what? They could be. With a relatively limited set of exceptions, most of us make a choice about where we live. Many of us decide that it's worth it to live 40 miles from where we work, so we can get a 4,000 square foot home $10,000 cheaper than what we'd pay closer to work. Well, Dumbass, I'm here today to tell you that it may be time to re-evaluate that decision. There is never going to be any more oil on earth than there is right now. It's only going to get worse, and I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you that there is no magic bullet, nor will there ever be--no consequence-free behemoth of an SUV that runs on good vibes or prayers. There are some tough roads ahead, we will soon arrive at a place past which cars can no longer travel.

So, Dumbass, I wish you the best of luck. I'm pulling for you, I really am.


How 'bout adding to the fact that the global food crisis is made worse by the fact that we're, um, converting cropland to corn-based ethanol, so instead of growing stuff to eat, we're growing it to put into our gas tanks, in the form of a fuel that requires almost as much fossil fuel energy to produce as you get out of it, plus, according to recent research, may actually be worse in the greenhouse gas department than good ol' fashioned oil, with the added benefit that now, your purchase benefits not only ExxonMobilChevronGulfTexaco (because of all the petro inputs), but also Archer Daniels Midland and Monsanto. Yay! If you haven't seen it, check out the movie "The End of Suburbia". And if James Howard Kunstler comes and speaks anywhere within shouting distance, you should go see one of his rants against petrosuburbia. That'd even be worth hopping in the car to go see.
It's also annoying watching the politicians trip over each other bringing relief to da voters. Both McCain and Clinton have advocated temporarily repealing the federal gas tax. Morons. And, get this, Obama and W. Bush both oppose it. Strange bedfellows indeed.
Interesting it is. You forgot to mention that every economist that has been asked has also said the gas tax hiatus is a stupid idea. I am fairly sure that Obama and Bush oppose it for different reasons.
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